It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yes, "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and I almost lost hope in the world because of that today.

The traffic in Green Hills is awful.  I can't afford any of the things I would like to get my parents for Christmas, though I know they'll understand.  I've lost communication with a lot of my friends from high school, making Nashville seem dull.  Finals took every ounce of optimism and joy (and health) out of me.  And finally, if I hear one more person fret about the appropriate use of "Merry Christmas" rather than "Happy Holidays" I might explode.

In short, I've finally understood why adults seem so stressed out around the holiday season, but it doesn't have to be that way.  I have two tips to kindness that could eliminate a lot of holiday stress.

1. Traffic: I know we can't completely eliminate the age old problem of congested roads at all hours of the day, however we can change the attitude about this traffic.  Rather than sitting in the traffic thinking of how late we're about to be, thinking about what a jerk all the other drivers are for not letting us merge or for not using their turn signal, instead of all these things - smile while sitting in traffic.  Put in your favorite CD, allow people to merge in front of you, smile at the car next to you if you accidentally make eye contact as I so often do.  To see one person being kind in holiday traffic inspires others to do the same, and if we're all being kind to each other then this traffic is more of a gift rather than a curse.  This traffic is an opportunity to spread kindness to the strangers in your community.

2. Use your words.  If you celebrate Christmas, say Merry Christmas.  If you celebrate Hanukkah, say Happy Hanukkah, if you want to include New Years in the greeting, say Happy Holidays.  Don't worry about offending someone, and don't get offended if you receive the "wrong" holiday greeting.  The fact that anyone is even giving a holiday greeting is better than them saying "I hope you experience extreme grief today, and that you step in seven puddles on your way."  And if someone else gets offended because you cared enough to wish them a Happy Holiday, then they aren't really exercising the kindness of the season anyways, so smile, brush it off, and go on your way.

Happy Hanukkah (Because that starts today, and because I went to Jewish pre-school, so I feel authorized to say this.)
Merry Christmas (Because that's this Sunday, I'm sitting in front of my family's Christmas tree, and I can't wait to go to midnight mass with my Catholic family after a Christmas Eve feast with my Baptist family)
And Happy Holidays (Because after all this Christmas family time, I can't wait to celebrate New Years with friends, and because I think it is beautiful to celebrate all the holidays, Old Testament, and New.)

Shalom

The Golden Rule

“The Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.”  A lesson pounded into our heads as kindergarteners.  Repeated in middle school.  Written one hundred times on a piece of lined paper during recess as a punishment for fighting with the boys and ignoring all the girls. And finally, a lesson that I never learned both sides of.

I’m not in middle school anymore, so I don’t get in trouble for fighting boys and ignoring girls anymore. I consider other people’s feelings; I make eye contact, hold doors, and send kind text messages to folks who I worry about. One might think I’ve got the golden rule down; that I don’t even have to give the golden rule a second thought.

But then, I gave the golden rule a second thought:

“Treat others as you would like to be treated.” How would I like to be treated? I’d like to be treated kindly. I’d like it if no one ever said a single negative thing about me. I’d like it if everyone was proud of me, and that everyone would love me. How do I treat others? I try to treat others like they’re the most important thing in my life. I like to speak kindly of them and to let them know that I love them and that I couldn’t be prouder of the accomplishments that they’ve made.

So if I’m supposed to treat others in the same way I would like to be treated, shouldn’t I treat myself the same?  Should I not be kind to myself? When I make my to-do lists for the day, set my alarm clock for the next morning, or receive a graded paper or test, should I not think about being kind to myself before adding too many tasks to the list, or only allowing myself 6 hours of rest for the night, or putting myself down when that grade isn’t up to par? I should. Because if it were anyone else, I would tell them to reduce their tasks, increase their rest, and that one grade does not make them a failure.

This is one of the hardest lessons I’ve tried to learn this year. It was my mother that pointed out to me that our family has always been really hard on ourselves, and it’s killing us. If we want to be kind to others, and we want others to be kind to us, then we have to learn to love ourselves as much as the world around us.

Love.

Simple as that. 

Today, I was looking for some fresh jams as I was driving through the congested 5:15 Lakeshore Drive traffic and I ran across this song on an old mix CD. (I wish I were cool enough to have had it on a mix tape. Deduct 10 points from my "cool kid" scoreboard.) 

Coolness aside, this song is all about kindness. With the recurring line "Always lift him up, and never knock him down." Not, "When you're in a good mood, lift him up, and when it will make you look good, knock him down." Not "Lift him up if it's convenient" or "When you see him, share some kind words and a smile." but "ALWAYS lift him up, and NEVER knock him down."

Digging further in the history of my life, I realized where I first heard this song. I heard this song on a retreat my senior year of high school. It was the song that a friend had chosen to follow his talk about the topic of "Christian love." I've heard and read many of my friends's talks about the subject, and without fail, the person or situation that they've chosen to discuss in their talk has always been a great example of kindness. Whether it was found in the kindness of others in a time of need, or in the sense of urgency in becoming a kind and loving friend, neighbor, or stranger, or in the kindness of a merciful and loving God...Kindness was always found. And Kindness was always associated with love. And kindness was always associated with Christian love.

Be a light. Be kind. Love. Always.

Speedbumps

I’m not feeling too kind today. I don’t want to make eye contact with you, or hold the door open for you, or listen to you talk. I don’t want to show caring and compassion to every friend and stranger that I pass today. I want everyone to feel as bad as I feel today. 

Why?
Because my good grades don’t feel good enough, my close friends seem distant, my shoes don’t feel right, and my morning alarm is too loud and too early.

I’ve reached this speed bump.  I was doing so well being optimistic and kind to people, and I reached this speed bump and didn’t know how to handle it, until now.

You know how sometimes a speed bump sneaks up on you. You’re driving 40 or so when suddenly your head is slamming against the ceiling and your bumper is scraping against the road and your passengers are angry that you would do such a thing to them? (If my dad is reading this, I have no idea what this feels like, I’ve just heard about it from television and friends who drive recklessly when I’m not in the car.)

So if you can’t avoid the speedbumps, and this careless driving leads to a wreck, who do you call? (Ghost busters). No, you call triple A.
Triple A: Acknowledge, Accept, Advance.

Acknowledge
Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Recognize that you’re bummed out, or recognize that you’ve never been happier. Whatever you’re feeling, be aware of it.
Acknowledge your situation. Recognize what events slowed you down, or what events made your day so great. Go through your day and just list everything that affected you. What you’re thankful for and what you wish you never had to experience.
Acknowledge others. Never stop seeing the people around you. They might feel the same as you, or you might be raining on their parade, or you might even be shedding too much light on their rainy day. Be aware of those around you.

Accept

Accept yourself. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. Accept that you can’t do much to change this. I can study harder, I can call/text my friends more, I can change the shoes that I’m wearing, and I can go to bed earlier, but if I’m already doing the best that I can do, I have to accept that this is the person I am. I’m an imperfect student, friend, shoe wearer, and sleep scheduler.
Accept your situation. This can be hard. Life isn’t fair, but accepting that is key. I just watched an episode of Parenthood where one of the main characters, Max, who has aspergers, has trouble understanding why he has to apologize to his younger cousin when the situation plainly is not fair to Max. However, the school was requiring a formal apology, so Max had to learn to suck it up, accept that life isn’t fair, and write the apology. And he did it with some sense of sincerity. So whatever situation isn’t fair to you, accept it and sincerely accept the situation and the consequences.
Accept others. This goes along with acknowledging others. Once you’ve acknowledged that there are other people on this earth and that they have feelings and emotions too, accept the strategy that they have for tackling these feelings. Don’t tackle their feelings for them, and don’t tackle their feelings for you. Accept them.

Advance

Advance yourself. Whether you recognize it or not, you grow every day in every situation. Advance yourself. Grow from your experiences. Don’t let your imperfections hold you back from being the best you that you can be.

Advance your situation. You’ve acknowledged it, you’ve accepted it. Move on. Take a deep breath and go on with life. Live more fully than you could before.

Advance with others. Now that you’ve acknowledged others, and you’ve accepted them, love them more and be more kind to them. Return to the optimistic view on life that makes yourself and makes others happier.

Now that we’re over that speedbump, let’s slow down and take in the beauty surrounding us on our commute.

Eye Contact

Earlier this week, I re-introduced myself to someone. We had gone to middle school together, and I was always on the outskirts of his friend-group. Last year, I started my freshman year of college at the same school as him. For a year and a half it has been on my to-do list to speak with this person, but I was afraid that he wouldn't remember me. I had walked right past him in doorways, stood next to him in lines in the caf, and made friends with a few of his friends, but I still hadn't spoken to him until this week. Finally, we were both standing next to each other and no one around was distracting either of us, so I finally just said, "I don't know if you knew this, but I think we went to middle school together." 

Suddenly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why it was such a big deal for me to just get those words out, but it had taken me a year and a half to do it. Surprisingly, he responded that he did know that we went to school together, and he knew my mom, and he knew my dad, and the only reason he hadn't been the one to start this conversation is because he didn't think that I remembered him.

Was I really cool enough that I gave off an aura that I would forget who someone is?  Someone thought that there was enough going on in my life that I wouldn't remember them.  It's a compliment in a way, but it's also a wake up call. I can't be cool. I want people, all people, to know that I care about them. If that means I have to make myself seem less "cool" then so be it.

This leads us to eye contact. The first step in making myself less cool and making sure everyone knows that I care about them, is to look up and make eye contact with them. Not only make eye contact, but maybe even be so daring as to smile. Sure, I haven't talked to you in a while, and I see that you're on your way to class so we can't catch up right now, but I remember you and I care about you and I want you to know that.

One of my Samford pet peeves is that people don't make eye contact enough. People don't acknowledge each other's existence. Everyone is too cool for everyone else, and since I'm a unique person (or so my mother tells me) I want no part in this "cool" crowd. I think that half of every persons sadness could be diminished by looking up, making eye contact and smiling. Not only is it the simplest way to acknowledge someone's existence and show them that you care, but when they do it back at you, you know that someone else cares too. 

If everyone would just look up. If everyone would just care.

Because caring, is kind.

Kindness and Conversation

Conversation is dependent upon one thing: Dialogue. Those of us who have studied language in any form know that “di” in dialogue implies that two parties are taking part in this activity. Dialogue is dependent on multiple parties talking, and not only talking but also listening. Really Listening.

            While babysitting for several families this summer I noticed that I was unable to have intelligent conversation with kids in elementary school, however I could still maintain a productive conversation with these kids. I would say something, they would acknowledge this statement and say something related or ask a question, and if I weren’t actually listening to their response they would call me on it. I was caught. I wasn’t caught for being easily distracted or spacey, but I was caught for being uncaring and unkind. It doesn’t matter that this person that I’m talking to is six years old. I should care about their experiences and thoughts as long as they care enough about me to share these experiences and thoughts with me.

            That is what leads us here. Conversation, true conversation, always leads to a kinder life and a joyful exchange. Amongst my friends from home, the only time we have serious conversations is when they are proclaimed “H2H’s” or “Heart to Hearts.” I think that every conversation should take on this ideal of hearts reaching and connecting with hearts. Whether discussing the troubles we’re facing with school, faith, or family, or just talking about what we had for lunch today, listening and connecting is key.

            Why is it so important to connect with each other every time you take part in conversation? Well, how does it feel to be heard? How does it feel for someone to mention something that you said in passing weeks ago? I know that whenever someone does something that makes it feel that I’ve been heard, my heart leaps and I know that someone cares for me. When I’m in conversation with a big group and I’m not interrupted or ignored, I feel like I could run miles despite my excessive leg injuries.  And if being heard makes me feel this good, why shouldn’t I share this great feeling with others?

            I’ve been challenging myself the past few weeks to listen to people. It has been surprisingly hard. If I ask a question, I better want the answer no matter how long it is. The goal is to get to know people and to care for others more. To spread the kindness of conversation.

            So friends, are you just going to talk, or are you ready to converse?

Automatic Doors and the Conspiracy to Kill Kindness

Some people say it's a southern thing. I've heard countless people who have come down to my college in Birmingham, AL say that they have never had so many people hold the door for someone. Until this was pointed out to me, I never thought twice about the simple act of waiting a few seconds to help out the neighbor walking through the door, or opening the door for the friend that's walking alongside.
As a small child my family would go to the Belle Meade Cafeteria at least once a week with my grandparents. I remember my favorite part of this dinner ever week was standing at the door and opening it for every person that looked even the slightest bit like they were walking towards the restaurant. Belle Meade Cafeteria is gone now, but the doors are still there and rarely opened.
When I returned home from college and stopped hearing about how strange it was for people to be kindly opening doors, I began to notice the number of automatic doors around town stealing my kind gesture from me. I saw purpose for these doors in grocery stores where shoppers pushed large carts disabling them from opening doors. I understood that many disabled people depend on these doors daily. I did not think that these doors were totally necessary at every building I pass in my daily commute. Now, when I walk through an automatic door, I feel almost naked being unable to show the person behind me that I do care for them. When I go out on my own, it brings me joy to be able to step aside, open the door for a stranger, and let them into the building before me. I'm filled with hope for society when I go out with friends and any of the guys open the door for the females present. I elated when a stranger commits this act of kindness for me when I walk through a door.
With this in mind friends, I urge you to see doors as opportunities to spread kindness and care to the friends, or strangers entering the same doors as you, and if you're faced with an automatic door...well I haven't gotten there yet, so just be creative.
Peace.

An Intro to Kindness

Welcome.

I don’t know how you’ve stumbled onto my stream of consciousness, but by now you’re probably wondering about this whole “pursuit of kindness” thing.

Many would think that this is a blog, following a writer who is taking on the challenge of spending a year being kinder to everyone she encounters and documenting it on a blog. No. That’s not what this is. That’s the sequel to the latest Julia Roberts movie.

Kindness is something that many cynics in my life have claimed died along with chivalry and children who know the words “ma’am, sir, please, and thank you.” I’m here to prove these folks wrong, in as kind a way as possible.

For the next several months I plan on documenting as many stories, thoughts, and anything else that exists as possible to prove the existence of kindness.

Now, if I’m devoting this much time to the concept of kindness, it would be helpful to define it for you folks.

The great folks at generatekindness.org wrote

“Kindness is the white blood cell of humankind. It is an act of healing that touches both the healer and the healed. Kindness must be generated – it must arise from within a human being and be expressed. “

That’s a good start, but I think kindness goes further. Kindness is in the heart. It’s intentional. It comes from people, animals –especially dogs because honestly, I’m a dog person – and we can’t forget the ultimate kindness. Kindness originated somewhere, and I’m going to venture to say that kindness originated in the same place everything else originated, as taught to me in my freshman year of high school.

So here are the rules. We talk about kindness. This kindness can be the kindness of a friend, stranger, dog, family member, or of a savior. And we incorporate music in as many posts as possible, because music is joyful and so is kindness, and now both music and kindness will consume my life.

Throughout this journey, I’m going to be adjusting my previous definition of kindness as seen fit. Hopefully by the end of this whole shenanigan, we can fully understand kindness. What it is, where it comes from, and how it can spread.

Peace.