Speedbumps

I’m not feeling too kind today. I don’t want to make eye contact with you, or hold the door open for you, or listen to you talk. I don’t want to show caring and compassion to every friend and stranger that I pass today. I want everyone to feel as bad as I feel today. 

Why?
Because my good grades don’t feel good enough, my close friends seem distant, my shoes don’t feel right, and my morning alarm is too loud and too early.

I’ve reached this speed bump.  I was doing so well being optimistic and kind to people, and I reached this speed bump and didn’t know how to handle it, until now.

You know how sometimes a speed bump sneaks up on you. You’re driving 40 or so when suddenly your head is slamming against the ceiling and your bumper is scraping against the road and your passengers are angry that you would do such a thing to them? (If my dad is reading this, I have no idea what this feels like, I’ve just heard about it from television and friends who drive recklessly when I’m not in the car.)

So if you can’t avoid the speedbumps, and this careless driving leads to a wreck, who do you call? (Ghost busters). No, you call triple A.
Triple A: Acknowledge, Accept, Advance.

Acknowledge
Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Recognize that you’re bummed out, or recognize that you’ve never been happier. Whatever you’re feeling, be aware of it.
Acknowledge your situation. Recognize what events slowed you down, or what events made your day so great. Go through your day and just list everything that affected you. What you’re thankful for and what you wish you never had to experience.
Acknowledge others. Never stop seeing the people around you. They might feel the same as you, or you might be raining on their parade, or you might even be shedding too much light on their rainy day. Be aware of those around you.

Accept

Accept yourself. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. Accept that you can’t do much to change this. I can study harder, I can call/text my friends more, I can change the shoes that I’m wearing, and I can go to bed earlier, but if I’m already doing the best that I can do, I have to accept that this is the person I am. I’m an imperfect student, friend, shoe wearer, and sleep scheduler.
Accept your situation. This can be hard. Life isn’t fair, but accepting that is key. I just watched an episode of Parenthood where one of the main characters, Max, who has aspergers, has trouble understanding why he has to apologize to his younger cousin when the situation plainly is not fair to Max. However, the school was requiring a formal apology, so Max had to learn to suck it up, accept that life isn’t fair, and write the apology. And he did it with some sense of sincerity. So whatever situation isn’t fair to you, accept it and sincerely accept the situation and the consequences.
Accept others. This goes along with acknowledging others. Once you’ve acknowledged that there are other people on this earth and that they have feelings and emotions too, accept the strategy that they have for tackling these feelings. Don’t tackle their feelings for them, and don’t tackle their feelings for you. Accept them.

Advance

Advance yourself. Whether you recognize it or not, you grow every day in every situation. Advance yourself. Grow from your experiences. Don’t let your imperfections hold you back from being the best you that you can be.

Advance your situation. You’ve acknowledged it, you’ve accepted it. Move on. Take a deep breath and go on with life. Live more fully than you could before.

Advance with others. Now that you’ve acknowledged others, and you’ve accepted them, love them more and be more kind to them. Return to the optimistic view on life that makes yourself and makes others happier.

Now that we’re over that speedbump, let’s slow down and take in the beauty surrounding us on our commute.

Eye Contact

Earlier this week, I re-introduced myself to someone. We had gone to middle school together, and I was always on the outskirts of his friend-group. Last year, I started my freshman year of college at the same school as him. For a year and a half it has been on my to-do list to speak with this person, but I was afraid that he wouldn't remember me. I had walked right past him in doorways, stood next to him in lines in the caf, and made friends with a few of his friends, but I still hadn't spoken to him until this week. Finally, we were both standing next to each other and no one around was distracting either of us, so I finally just said, "I don't know if you knew this, but I think we went to middle school together." 

Suddenly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why it was such a big deal for me to just get those words out, but it had taken me a year and a half to do it. Surprisingly, he responded that he did know that we went to school together, and he knew my mom, and he knew my dad, and the only reason he hadn't been the one to start this conversation is because he didn't think that I remembered him.

Was I really cool enough that I gave off an aura that I would forget who someone is?  Someone thought that there was enough going on in my life that I wouldn't remember them.  It's a compliment in a way, but it's also a wake up call. I can't be cool. I want people, all people, to know that I care about them. If that means I have to make myself seem less "cool" then so be it.

This leads us to eye contact. The first step in making myself less cool and making sure everyone knows that I care about them, is to look up and make eye contact with them. Not only make eye contact, but maybe even be so daring as to smile. Sure, I haven't talked to you in a while, and I see that you're on your way to class so we can't catch up right now, but I remember you and I care about you and I want you to know that.

One of my Samford pet peeves is that people don't make eye contact enough. People don't acknowledge each other's existence. Everyone is too cool for everyone else, and since I'm a unique person (or so my mother tells me) I want no part in this "cool" crowd. I think that half of every persons sadness could be diminished by looking up, making eye contact and smiling. Not only is it the simplest way to acknowledge someone's existence and show them that you care, but when they do it back at you, you know that someone else cares too. 

If everyone would just look up. If everyone would just care.

Because caring, is kind.

Kindness and Conversation

Conversation is dependent upon one thing: Dialogue. Those of us who have studied language in any form know that “di” in dialogue implies that two parties are taking part in this activity. Dialogue is dependent on multiple parties talking, and not only talking but also listening. Really Listening.

            While babysitting for several families this summer I noticed that I was unable to have intelligent conversation with kids in elementary school, however I could still maintain a productive conversation with these kids. I would say something, they would acknowledge this statement and say something related or ask a question, and if I weren’t actually listening to their response they would call me on it. I was caught. I wasn’t caught for being easily distracted or spacey, but I was caught for being uncaring and unkind. It doesn’t matter that this person that I’m talking to is six years old. I should care about their experiences and thoughts as long as they care enough about me to share these experiences and thoughts with me.

            That is what leads us here. Conversation, true conversation, always leads to a kinder life and a joyful exchange. Amongst my friends from home, the only time we have serious conversations is when they are proclaimed “H2H’s” or “Heart to Hearts.” I think that every conversation should take on this ideal of hearts reaching and connecting with hearts. Whether discussing the troubles we’re facing with school, faith, or family, or just talking about what we had for lunch today, listening and connecting is key.

            Why is it so important to connect with each other every time you take part in conversation? Well, how does it feel to be heard? How does it feel for someone to mention something that you said in passing weeks ago? I know that whenever someone does something that makes it feel that I’ve been heard, my heart leaps and I know that someone cares for me. When I’m in conversation with a big group and I’m not interrupted or ignored, I feel like I could run miles despite my excessive leg injuries.  And if being heard makes me feel this good, why shouldn’t I share this great feeling with others?

            I’ve been challenging myself the past few weeks to listen to people. It has been surprisingly hard. If I ask a question, I better want the answer no matter how long it is. The goal is to get to know people and to care for others more. To spread the kindness of conversation.

            So friends, are you just going to talk, or are you ready to converse?

Automatic Doors and the Conspiracy to Kill Kindness

Some people say it's a southern thing. I've heard countless people who have come down to my college in Birmingham, AL say that they have never had so many people hold the door for someone. Until this was pointed out to me, I never thought twice about the simple act of waiting a few seconds to help out the neighbor walking through the door, or opening the door for the friend that's walking alongside.
As a small child my family would go to the Belle Meade Cafeteria at least once a week with my grandparents. I remember my favorite part of this dinner ever week was standing at the door and opening it for every person that looked even the slightest bit like they were walking towards the restaurant. Belle Meade Cafeteria is gone now, but the doors are still there and rarely opened.
When I returned home from college and stopped hearing about how strange it was for people to be kindly opening doors, I began to notice the number of automatic doors around town stealing my kind gesture from me. I saw purpose for these doors in grocery stores where shoppers pushed large carts disabling them from opening doors. I understood that many disabled people depend on these doors daily. I did not think that these doors were totally necessary at every building I pass in my daily commute. Now, when I walk through an automatic door, I feel almost naked being unable to show the person behind me that I do care for them. When I go out on my own, it brings me joy to be able to step aside, open the door for a stranger, and let them into the building before me. I'm filled with hope for society when I go out with friends and any of the guys open the door for the females present. I elated when a stranger commits this act of kindness for me when I walk through a door.
With this in mind friends, I urge you to see doors as opportunities to spread kindness and care to the friends, or strangers entering the same doors as you, and if you're faced with an automatic door...well I haven't gotten there yet, so just be creative.
Peace.

An Intro to Kindness

Welcome.

I don’t know how you’ve stumbled onto my stream of consciousness, but by now you’re probably wondering about this whole “pursuit of kindness” thing.

Many would think that this is a blog, following a writer who is taking on the challenge of spending a year being kinder to everyone she encounters and documenting it on a blog. No. That’s not what this is. That’s the sequel to the latest Julia Roberts movie.

Kindness is something that many cynics in my life have claimed died along with chivalry and children who know the words “ma’am, sir, please, and thank you.” I’m here to prove these folks wrong, in as kind a way as possible.

For the next several months I plan on documenting as many stories, thoughts, and anything else that exists as possible to prove the existence of kindness.

Now, if I’m devoting this much time to the concept of kindness, it would be helpful to define it for you folks.

The great folks at generatekindness.org wrote

“Kindness is the white blood cell of humankind. It is an act of healing that touches both the healer and the healed. Kindness must be generated – it must arise from within a human being and be expressed. “

That’s a good start, but I think kindness goes further. Kindness is in the heart. It’s intentional. It comes from people, animals –especially dogs because honestly, I’m a dog person – and we can’t forget the ultimate kindness. Kindness originated somewhere, and I’m going to venture to say that kindness originated in the same place everything else originated, as taught to me in my freshman year of high school.

So here are the rules. We talk about kindness. This kindness can be the kindness of a friend, stranger, dog, family member, or of a savior. And we incorporate music in as many posts as possible, because music is joyful and so is kindness, and now both music and kindness will consume my life.

Throughout this journey, I’m going to be adjusting my previous definition of kindness as seen fit. Hopefully by the end of this whole shenanigan, we can fully understand kindness. What it is, where it comes from, and how it can spread.

Peace.